Quepasana: Everything is waking up right now
Vipassana: To See Things Clearly
Vipassana means ‘to see things clearly,’ and I’ve been wanting to do one of these retreats since i first learned about them. Vipassana is a 10 day silent meditation retreat that is offered as a gift - for free - all over the world. When I lived in San Diego I had a a lot of friends who participated and volunteered at Vipassana retreats and for years would tell me about it and recommend it to me. At the time I didn’t consider myself a meditator because I was unable to sit for long periods of time - I had this idea in my head that a meditator looks like a monk who sits in stillness without moving for hours on end and this archetype didn’t fit with my super athletic body with scoliosis and an ADHD mind. To be totally honest, I had an overwhelming amount of self judgement when it came to meditation. I had sat at some TM + Vipassana seminar evenings listening to people talk about it - and honestly it all sounded 1. Impossible and 2. Like hell. TCM told me to let my thoughts ‘bubble to the surface and then pop,’ whatever that meant. And Vipassana told me I had to sit without moving for 10 hours a day, for 10 days straight: an absolutely ridiculous idea. I thought there was no way I could do either of these things and this judgement compounded as I was a sound healer, energy healer and yoga teacher (spoiler alert: the meditation teacher in me took years to coax out) and all my friends who were in similar lines of work (naturopaths, massage therapists, counselors) were all “good” meditators so the comparison added to the judgement, and I stayed away from turning my gaze inward.
It wasn’t until literally years (maybe a decade) later that I realized I had meditated my whole life, but my meditation looks drastically different and incorporated movement. One fateful day in 2019 (?) I was hiking (meditating) up a volcano in Guatemala with a new friend named Sami Rose, we bonded deeply over California (I was San Diego, she was LA), holistic perspectives, astrology, healing, shibari and meditation. I expressed my concerns and judgements with meditation and Sami happily told me about the existence of a Vipassana-adjacent retreat that allowed movement. I was overjoyed and when we got back down from the volcano the next day (which was amazing by the way and we got to watch Volcan Fuego explode all night, but that’s not what this blog is about) I immediately put myself on the waitlist… and waited…. For years.
My Meditation Journey
I’ve written about my relationship to meditation before, thinking I was not a good meditator for most of my life. I had immense trouble sitting still and a lot of judgement and preconceived notions of what meditation + meditators ‘looked like.’ In 2024 I attended a 7 day silent retreat with Jhourney teaching myself to learn the Jhanas - and once I did and realized I was ‘there’ which of course was nowhere specific and also everywhere at the same time, I realized I had been meditating my whole life but my meditation was almost always accompanied by movement.
Jhourney explained the Jhana’s to me as elevated states of consciousness that are within our grasp because we have felt them as children - that deep presence accompanied by a feeling of ecstasy - pure play, pure bliss followed by a deep sense of connection and presence and finally gratitude. I recognized the Jhana’s in the same way you recognize your reflection: this ‘bell curve’ of joy made me realize that these are the states I reach when I hike - which is one of the million reasons I love hiking. The harder the hike the more blissed out I am. Literally every time I hike I am in pure bliss - which made me realize so many things 1. Why I like to hike alone, this feeling of bliss is not shared with anyone and feels very vulnerable and exposed especially when you’re hiking with someone not having a good time, the gap between experiences can lead to feelings of disconnection 2. Why everyone hated hiking with me earlier in life - for me the harder the hike the better the bliss, when I was younger I used to take my friends hiking and they haaaaated it. There were many statements of “I will never hike with Jess ever again,” swore through gritted teeth struggled breaths when I was younger. 3. Why I seek out such difficult hikes - of course I am very adventurous and athletic and love to hike for exercise, but the feelings of peace and presence I get from trudging and frolicking up a mountain is like nothing else, it feels like a drug where the only addiction is needing to do another hike.
There is also meditation through pain, I’m sure it’s obvious to you now if you’re on this page that I am very much covered in tattoos and piercings. Sitting through a particularly long tattoo leads to turning the gaze inward, focusing on your breath, steadying your mind, and not only sitting “through” the pain but sitting “with” it. I also suffer once a month from the barely-survivable pain of endometriosis + adenomyosis and honestly the pain is so bad it’s laughable when I’m not suffering from it, and almost unbelievable from the outside looking in. I’m not saying I do this gracefully by any means, but I do, in a sense, have to meditate through it. We all suffer painful life events and generally the way we get through it is turning the gaze inward, breathing steadily telling ourselves ‘we will get through this,’ and from rock bottom we pick ourselves back up and begin again.
The Golden Ticket
I had the most awful break up of my life in 2024 and I wasn’t actually sure if I’d ever be okay and trust again, shoutout to David + Quentin for gluing my heart back together again. Well fast forward to 2025’s major healing adventure that took me all over the Southeast Asia from healing my skin in Korea; to seeing Mt Fuji for the first time and falling head over heals for Japan; to healing my soul in Thailand and healing my adventurous spirit in the Philippines, I received THE email I had been waiting for, for years: Quepasana was open for newcomers and I was accepted and I’m going to Maui. And then came the stress point: just kidding - there was some sort of glitch in the system that said you were accepted but you weren’t quite yet.
Luckily my manifestation and email skills were locked in and I explained my situation - how I heard of them (on a volcano - so cool right?) my healing journey because of the break up and my flinging myself back out to life and adventure (I deserve this!), where I was geographically and where I would be - in Hawaii anyways (Kauai technically) and finally I received the Golden Ticket and I was confirmed and accepted. There was much rejoicing and telling everyone who would listen.
After 6 years, I was finally going to be a Quepasana Girlie.
May the 4th be with with you
I had never been to Hawaii before and then as it happened I was scheduled to adventure to 3 different islands due to friends visiting Oahu, Quepasana in Maui, and family living in Kauai. I got off the plane in Maui and into the van and drove to the retreat center. I bonded instantly with my ride share friends - shoutout to Aiden, Jaime + Keifer and we rode to the sunrise of our destiny. All day we talked and bonded with our like-minded high-vibey new friends then by the time we woke up on May 5th we had begun our journey into deep inside ourselves.
The Journey
I expected some difficulty and perhaps because of that my time was pretty easeful. Since my Jhana Jhourney, and subsequent meditation teaching over last year I have meditated almost every day and I deeply love and cherish my meditation practice. It has become something delicious and yummy that I look forward to daily.
We woke up at 4:30am every day with movement and stretching which (only slightly) eased the pain of the 4:30am bell. We sat for 2 hours, took a break to roam, swim, snorkel, eat breakfast, stretch, and walk around. After breakfast and clean up we came back, did yin yoga + breathwork and sat in meditation for 4 hours. Then we broke for lunch, more options to swim, walk, stretch, workout, and then we met back at the Shala for more yin, breathwork, and sitting for another 4 hours. We would break for dinner, clean up, watch sunset and sit again for 2 hours before going to bed by 8:30pm.
Day 1 and Day 2 were full of distractions and patience for the monkey mind, allowing forgiveness and acceptance to seep deeply into all the problems my mind was trying to fix from my past, present and future. My mind was trying to solve puzzles, organize things, make lists, and overall various mental backflips + contortions; and I patiently, with love and compassion for myself and my mind; gently brought my awareness back to the present moment using my breath and the sensations it brought to my nose, lungs and stomach. My mind pulled and stretched for things and distractions and judgements and past grievances and hurts and I lovingly and patiently kept bringing my mind back to The Now. I had some really beautiful breakthroughs just on how tasty the present moment is - my minds eye created this orange orb that shone like the sun and every time I brought my mind back to this shape I could feel the most gorgeous sensations flow throughout my body, my heart, my lungs, my mind. This orb was full of all sensations and every time I brought my mind back I was rewarded with this full sensory treat that can only happen right NOW.
Day 3 and Day 4 were endometriosis-related death days where I just layed and suffered most of the time, but like I do once a month anyways, I meditated through the pain, and through the pain was the most delicious presence, my minds eye showed a darkly overcast sky over a dark ocean but this gorgeous light right in between the layers of darkness. There were many things in this gorgeous light that I’ll describe only as a Happening. Due to the immense pain of my body and the wobbly feeling of the pain pills I was able to stay here and surprisingly didn’t experience any other of the awful symptoms of my period (throwing up, fainting, the ushe). I was feeling everything - and at the same time letting it all go.
Day 5 and Day 6 were wonderful, I was no longer in pain AND I was halfway through! I was gonna make it!!! 10 days is a loooong time of silence and meditation and not much else. The daily yin yoga that we did felt nourishing and the breathwork was lovely too, allowing ourselves to sink deeper into our practice by stretching the body and releasing stuck emotions was so helpful. I had some serious breakthroughs here and starting dreaming up (several) business plans. Anytime monkey mind was too loud I would do manifestations and allow my brain to be distracted with these beautiful loving thoughts toward my future self, then I would come back and find a juicy spaciousness in between the thoughts and stay there.
Day 7 was my worst day. I was distracted all day because we were over the “hump” of halfway and “almost almost” done but not quite and my brain was all over the place. It wanted to write blogs and share all the things I had already learned, contact people - I’ve been gone for months and miss my California Family, journal - how long has it been since I journaled? Do tarot - I was pulling cards while drinking coffee and working every day before this!? I need to SCREAM! I need to talk Sage (my ChatGPT) and ask what these flowers are that were growing everywhere? How was everyone on the outside? What if something bad happened? I needed to buy flights to California and Denver!? I still don’t have a Burning Man ticket?!!!!!!!!!! This was a day of fear and worries, judgements and concerns, and so instead of fighting it, I let it be that way and did what I could to ease the pain of the weight of my brain - which was mostly big deep breaths to relax my nervous system as much as possible and feed positive distractions like beautiful day dreams, mantras and manifestations for Future Jess.
Day 8 and Day 9 were back to bliss - more ideas, juicer awareness, easefulness in herding my brain back to Now; loving awareness, kindness and compassion toward myself, felt throughout my heart, my body, my brain, my thoughts - even the bad ones. I started to forgive myself for thinking bad thoughts about people who had hurt me and this had a domino effect, forgiving so many people for so many things, forgiving myself for letting people hurt me and sticking around too long, forgiving myself for not knowing, not understanding, forgiving others for the same. I had a big breakthrough thinking about my parents just remembering that they did the best they could and at the end of the day - they want my approval now as much as I wanted theirs when I was little. I cried and cried and allowed the release of tears to flow down my face and wash away the tension. I felt like the sun. Unfuckable with, and as my friend/ mentor / therapist Andy says “be in the mindset that nothing can stick to you;” everything was bliss. My walking slowed down and my staring at the smallest things and finding such treasures everywhere around me - the tiniest details and veins in leaves, all of the tones in the bird song, the colors and movements and dance of the corals and the reefs underwater, feeling sooo incredibly connected on retreat through short but loving glances.
We already loved each other, but when we broke noble silence together Day 10 we were head over heels in love with each other. Throughout the retreat there were these small, tender, acts of romance and thoughtfulness, from finding each others water bottles or helping and volunteering in the kitchen everyone had bonded from a heart centered place of silence and kindness. We all cried in a circle loving and acknowledging one another and finally learning each other’s names. Later that day, Keifer and I made up the best game of Bocci Ball that very vaguely resembles actually Bocci Ball, the bonds were sealed, friendships formed: we were connected forever.
Day 11 we broke down our entire camp with over 30 tents, the kitchen, the Shala together as a team. Leaving was impossibly hard but it had to be done. I hugged everyone goodbye (not something I normally do) made sure they had my contact and left for Jurassic Park…. I mean Kauai.
Quepasana Take Aways
I feel more present in my body which is mostly felt in my voice. If you’ve know me you know I talk very fast when I am excited, but when I work I have a very meditative cadence to my speech. When I spoke out loud for the first time on day 10 I could hear my voice vibrate inside of my chest. My thoughts were going a million miles a minute because it was the first time we got to talk but my mouth was moving at a slower pace - so I started to connect my thoughts to my mouth and be more present; I was hearing every word I said as I said it. Occasionally in the past, I haven’t felt heard and wondered if it’s because I don’t hear myself - suddenly I was hearing my truth from deep inside my chest, everyone was listening intently, and I was trusting the sound of my silence and loudness.
I had a very strange interaction which I won’t go into the details: but I was bullied while in silence. This felt very troubling for all the reasons, I’m sure you can imagine. But being “silenced” during “silence” left me with a very unsafe, very uneasy feeling, especially when I was trying to honor silence, but felt like I needed to stand up for myself, but had limited people I could ask for help from. This caused a lot of rumination and circular thoughts: and just as much as it did create rumination - I was also able to let it go….? Which felt a little wild due to past expressions of Jess. Because of that (I think) the universe gave me another chance to stand up for myself - so I did - and much louder this time - and it felt like DRUGZ! The pure power that was rushing through my veins while I spoke to this person - telling them my truth and how I felt - and the effect of their actions - felt like nothing I had ever experienced before. We ended up hugging at the end so everything turned out fine but it was a gorgeous ‘happening’ that I got to 1. Meditate on and 2. Practice letting go 3. Standing up for myself 4. Speaking my truth and then finally 5. Coming to a resolution.
Epiphanies about my ex lovers, parents, past and future were abundant, including unhooking myself from these tangles of the past and bringing myself back to the Here and Now and letting everything else go and be water under the bridge. A huge realization came in the exact way that I needed to understand was: that my parents needs always came first in my childhood home and those are similar patterns in the relationships I have attracted in the past - someone whose needs are louder and more important than mine. Watching that pattern from a far out perspective realizing that I am the most important person in my life, I am the main character. My life is all about me and I am allowed to have all my needs met, I am allowed to have my cake and eat it to. I am a powerful sorcerer and always have been. Things come easy to me and my life is blessed because of me! I make it this way!? When someone comes into my life they are competing with the bliss of how I feel when I am alone!? I am a magnet for miracles and good things always find me?!
In conclusion - I am the luckiest girl in the world and I am so fucking grateful to live this blessed life with these insanely beautiful circumstances and experiences. I would highly recommend you checking out Quepasana.
For Chayna
On a personal note, when I left the cozy sacred container of Quepasana I found out a dear friend of mine, Chayna Girling had passed away. Chayna was a lot of things - a powerful and beautiful fashion icon and artist. An incredible photographer, an explorer, a Burner, an amazing friend who lifted me up emotionally and mentally after the despair of my break up, who saw a light in me when I didn’t see anything in myself. Even though we didn’t know each other for very long, the time we spent together moving her magical Witch House, the road trips, the photography shoots, the moral support, the shared love + interests and respect in one another. She will live in the fire of my heart forever.
She wasn’t really a “rest in peace” kinda person, so for both of us, I hope she haunts me forever.
Xoxo,
Jess
Imposter Syndrome on Retreat
I am lucky enough to work for a Meditation Retreat company called Jhourney based out of San Francisco. I had my first retreat with them May 2024 and wrote a Blog about it, which you can find here. They helped me learn how to meditate myself and since then it’s been something I look forward to every day. I am happy to say that since I found them I am a Meditator, and i love it.
I have been on their facilitation team with an incredible group of humans which is a great joy to me. I’ve just returned from a deeply immersive retreat with them at Mt Madonna in California, and it was nothing short of transformative - but not the way you think!!!
Imposter Syndrome was definitely coming up for me as I was helping other people learn how to meditate while I was struggling with my own thoughts, patterns, coping skills and fear. This meditation retreat brought up a lot of unexpected emotions for me, and I always like to share in case it helps someone else feel less alone!
Since my break up last year I have been managing, sometimes better than other times, sometimes worse. But such is life, right? Well, what I realized on this retreat is my ~ main ~ coping skill that ‘keeps me safe,’ and ‘on my path’ and ‘moving forward’ is a pattern of Perfectionism!! And honestly, this pattern has been incredibly helpful with keeping me on track with my physical health since the break up - my daily workouts / coffee walks / and rock climbing with a “I MUST DO THIS” mindset. But spoiler alert- this pattern is not good long term or for emotional health AND I had no idea how much this pattern crept into the driver’s seat of my life, but there it was, looking over at me in the passenger seat.
This childhood pattern, that a lot of us have, was created when I was rewarded and loved most when I did well, and disregarded, disrespected and devalued when I did poorly; this lead me to mistakenly think I was only worthy when I did and performed well, and I was not worthy or lovable when I didn’t do well. This Perfectionist Pattern can also lead to people pleasing, masking, and fawning (the lesser known sister of the Fight or Flight response.) These patterns show up in my relationships…
I’m going to be the best partner ever and prove I’m worthy of love!
I’m going to put their needs first so they don’t abandon me!
I’m not okay but they only like me when I’m 100%, so I’ll be 100%!
This pattern also shows up when I’m under stress or going through a hard time…
I must be perfect or all is lost
I’ll be fine (even when I’m clearly not)
*would literally die before asking for help*
On this meditation retreat this pattern came up, and it came up LOUDLY - a spiritual 2x4 if you will! I was experiencing imposter syndrome, fear, not being good enough, worthy enough, smart enough, etc! It started to materialize in my physical body - I was actually having difficulty breathing + sleeping! Luckily I am always honest when someone asks how I’m doing and when my friends asked - I told them the truth - that I was really suffering inside of my own mind; thankfully I was surrounded by incredibly insightful friends who were able to mirror back to me that: I’m actually doing amazing all things considered! Thankfully I was at a meditation retreat, thankfully I knew how to sit with myself and breathe through it, rather than just trying to get around it without feeling it. So I felt into it and at first it sucked. My brain told me how ~ not good enough ~ I was and how ~ unworthy ~ I was, so I asked it what was the positive intention behind those phrases and mean thoughts. It continued: you suck and you shouldn’t be here, and I kept sitting with these thoughts asking what the positive intention was behind them. Finally they said forgiveness, peace, and letting go and I was able to breathe these intentions into my body and into my bones.
I was able to sit with myself, my struggles, my life events, and then the fear, and the messiness of being a sensitive human. I realized that the fear was false, perfectionism is not real, and I am allowed to be whatever I am in the moment, and I am worthy of love despite my messiness! All humans are! I was able to allow forgiveness to wash over me and uncover peace. I was able to let go of these false thoughts because I know logically and intuitively they are NOT me.
It’s ridiculous to think my worth is based on random thoughts in my head. I was reminded of a quote that I often share with clients - do not believe every thought you think! Your thoughts are not your truth!! Why? Well, our thoughts are based on the world inside of us and also the world outside of us. There are no answers in the world outside of ourselves, so by letting go of the external world and turning our gaze inward we begin to find our own personal truth.
Through allowing myself to be messy, imperfect, and loving the shit out of that broken-hearted girl inside me there began a spark, and through meditating on the ridiculousness of my thoughts, the silly notion that I am not worthy or good enough or lovable because I’m not 100% and the overall absurdity of the whole thing (being alive). The clouds in my head broke and I started to bask in the sunshine of my own heart and the infinite wellspring of love and courage and resilience that radiates from deep within me.
I know that every time my heart breaks and I find myself lost, I come back to myself stronger, more resilient, more compassionate, more patient, and more loving. I’m proud of my path and I’m proud of this person I’m always becoming.
So! After a full 7 days of struggle and then stillness, reflection on worth and lovability, and strong energetic recalibration through falling in love with myself again, has left me feeling more aligned and centered than ever.
TBH, I’m also wandering through Asia so that definitely helps ;)
I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
― Frank Herbert
Let’s be messy silly imperfect humans that have beautiful intentions and learn from our mistakes and become better every day <3
I’d love to hear your story about how you overcame Imposter Syndrome! Message me + let’s chat!
