Psychedelic Soaked Stories

I have been a psychonaut since I was in high school and have dabbled in most plant medicines throughout my life. I believe my life has changed for the better by taking these substances due to their capacity to expand the mind; and help you be more open to learning more about your own consciousness and the consciousness in the world around you. Psychedelics make the environment as alive as you are, and they dissolve the ego which is to say the boundaries that keep us separate and in pain.

In February 2024 I finally met Rick Doblin, the creator of MAPS (The Multidisciplinary Approach for Psychedelic Studies) at a conference in Dubai. I have been a fan of him ever since I learned about MAPS in 2014; this cosmic encounter and telling him about my Ketamine experience inspired this blog.

In high school I was dangerously depressed and looking for something, anything, to show me magic in the world. Intuitively I knew magic was real; and being highly sensitive and empathic, knowing the emotions that the people were feeling around me led me to believe there was another field of energy connecting us all. I didn’t have words or descriptions for this back when I was younger, but I do now: I was having an existential crisis and no one around me was equipped to help me navigate these stormy cosmic and psychic waters.

Being so highly sensitive and empathic was good and bad, good in a sense where I was a fantastic listener and therapist to all my friends, which ended up translating perfectly into my now-careers; but bad as I couldn’t decipher what emotions were mine, and what were other peoples’. This lead to a constant cacophony of emotions in my body, and I was overwhelmed, anxious and depressed, wanting to crawl out of my skin most of the time - and not knowing why.

Using marijuana started to quiet all these feelings of ‘other’ and I felt free and unencumbered. Being curious about this feeling of freedom led me to dabble in plant medicines, and some synthetics, and I feel like that has made a huge improvement in my life. I was a normal high school kid dabbling in things I didn’t understand, and to this teenage version of myself I am forever grateful for her bravery; now, I realize the sacredness of the journey that I’m about to embark upon, and prepare appropriately.

Important Note: This blog is of my personal story ONLY, it is in no way to promote the irresponsible use of any of these (illegal) substances. There are many medicinal-therapy-sessions that you can do nowadays under the supervision of a licensed or certified therapist. I recommend you do research and listen to your intuition on what’s right for you. This is NOT medical advice.

Mushrooms and LSD

My first experimentation after marijuana and copious amounts of alcohol to numb the pain in my head and heart, was experimenting with mushrooms and LSD in which I experienced my first spiritual experiences where I saw the grand design behind the universe - it was shaped like the Sri Yantra and the Flower of Life - symbols that became tattoos later in life. Camping in the forests of Michigan, eating mushrooms and dropping acid whilst camping with friends I saw trees breathe, I saw patterns in the sand, and the movement in the actual air of the sky. I realized that awareness is inner AND outer - a sender and receiver in both directions - just as I gazed at the world, the world gazed back. Interestingly enough, I noticed wild animals responded to me in this heightened state of awareness and came close to investigate, curious perhaps that I was vibrating at a different (non-human?) frequency. Dragonflies would not stop flying around while my friend Caitlin and I stood in the river in complete and utter awe of the patterns swirling in and around our feet.

One time ingesting mushrooms, I accidently took my boyfriends dose and he took mine - he was much larger than me (a football player) and his dose was much stronger. As I sat in a chair in a circle of all of my friends their names and faces slowly started to dissolve away and I realized I didn’t know who they were. Suddenly, I noticed that I didn’t know who I was. My name, face, life story, parents all dissolved into what I can only describe as a cosmic soup of general loving awareness. The cats in the room that were previously very chill started kickflipping around the room, responding to this vibrational shift in the atmosphere; it seemed they were almost celebrating our new realizations with us. You would think that this would have been terrifying - but for some reason it was absolutely fine.

I got up to look at myself in the mirror and was so surprised at what I saw: an unfamiliar face looking back. As I looked at Her I was able to see Her for the first time, with no prior thoughts of self hatred, self judgment or self loathing, I didn’t see blemishes or imperfections, I just saw a young girl with insanely dialated pupils, confused and curious staring back. She was so young, she was so pretty.

When I returned to sit down to this person I had never seen before (my boyfriend of 2 years) I knew that I probably wouldn’t have done whatever it was I did with people I didn’t feel safe with or know. This felt like a resonate truth, so I sat back down and continued to explore the room around me. Staring across the room at a famous picture of the Pink Floyd albums painted on girls backs sitting at a pool, they laughed as they swayed back and forth in togetherness, I moved my attention to the Led Zepplin falling angel poster I realized he was dancing in complete rapture and ecstasy and celebration of life.

Suddenly I became the most vibrant visual and physical sensation where I was flying through the sky with nothing else around me except clouds. Up ahead appeared a cliff with the root of a tree sticking out on the cliff side, but under the top, below the surface. I grabbed on to the root and immediately like an tsunami of remembrance, my life flooded back into my brain, my mom’s face came into view and all of my life memories rushed back in. I struggled to catch my breath as I was overcome with a lifetime of love from friends, adventures, and family.

Mushrooms and LSD helped me connect to and remember the grand design and harmony underlying reality by allowing my physical eyes to see it. They helped me reconnect to the beauty of myself without mental commentary and judgement and they helped me remember that I, and WE, are are all so important to the universe, because we are a part of it and it is a part of us.

When we look within ourselves with psilocybin, we discover that we do not have to look outward toward the futile promise of life that circles distant stars in order to still our cosmic loneliness. We should look within; the paths of the heart lead to nearby universes full of life and affection for humanity.
― Terence McKenna

After our journey together we all stood outside and watched the snow come down in Michigan. It was beautiful.

Ayahuasca

I have journeyed with Grandmother Ayahuasca many times in my life but I’d like to share a snippet of the story of my first experience with Her in Peru. This is not the full story, just a piece.

I sat in a circle with other seekers and my best friend in 2014, the sun sat heavily in the horizon as we started to journey and visuals and sensations started to come into our awareness and body. Grandmother Ayahuasca showed me many many things, but for the purpose of this story - she showed all the arguments I had been in throughout my whole life - and she showed me the other person’s perspective.

One of my blind spots throughout my life has been self-righteousness, a pattern gifted to me from my parents. If we fight, I used to think ‘I am right! You are wrong!’ Ayahuasca showed throughout the journey of all these arguments that I may have been right, but based on their life experiences and their journeys, they were also correct, and that there is no such thing as right and wrong, only perspective. Because of how large this blindspot was for me, allowing wisdom and light into one of my deepest and darkest blockages exploded my mind and heart open, I was never the same.

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and right doing there is a field.
I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass
the world is too full to talk about.”

―Rumi

The day after this happened my best friend Annie and I took a glass ceiling train to Maccu Pichu on my birthday. It was one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had.

DMT

I was hesitant about DMT because of what I heard from others who had taken this massive journey into their mind and deep into the edges of the universe I kept hearing - ‘you are never the same.’ I knew they probably meant in a positive way, but it was still a bit scary. At this point in my life I had journeyed quite a few times into the universe beyond my consciousness so I felt respectfully nervous, but trusted in my gut.

The first time I did DMT I was living in my dream apartment in San Diego. I created a very safe, very cozy nest, I set intentions, lit candles and incense, journaled, was surrounded by pillows and blankets and beautiful things: I was ready. I inhaled 2.5x (I tried for 3 but couldn’t make it) and was immediately transported into outer outer space, from the darkest depths inside my mind. Through the sky, past the stars and planets and galaxies all the way to the end, and then further past that to where reality folded back on itself and the farther I traveled through the universe the closer I got to myself.

At the outer reaches of beyond the imagined universe, I saw faces very similar to what Alex Grey paints - columns made of consciousness all connected with each other, infinitely. I tried speaking with this vibrating consciousness, I can’t call them ‘beings’ because they were all one ‘being’ and they weren’t separate from myself, and we are all one and and and.

I realized communicating with them through words or even thoughts wasn’t the right way, so instead I allowed myself to received from them. What washed over me was this light pink vibration that felt like the juicyest hug and cuddles I have ever received and the truth that love is everything. Love is me, love is you, the world is love; there is nothing in this world that is not love.

Inevitably, the sound of motorcycle on the 5 ended up pulling me out of this beautiful experience - this real life dream. Part of me was sad it was over, it was like death in a sense that you are so held by love and therefore want to return but know its not your time. Part of me was happy I got to see and experience this…. Happening. Part of me wanted more, and if I’m being super duper honest, part of me felt like I wasn’t enough: this is a childhood wound pattern that occasionally plagues me. I felt like I wasn’t “good enough” to experience the wisdom these beings / entities / creatures bestowed on me. This felt super heavy to carry and to hold, but was eventually alleviated.

Ketamine

The first time I did ketamine I was incredibly depressed and thinking of ending things - this was around 27 years old in the classic dark-night-of-the-soul / Saturn Return time. I called my friend Eddie to see if I could come over his house and have him ‘babysit’ me - as I literally didn’t trust myself alone with my suicidal thoughts.

This turned out to be one of the single best decisions I’ve ever made.

I came over and told him honestly and vulnerably what was going on with me and he asked if I wanted to try ketamine.

I assured him ‘no, absolutely not,’ as I felt anything could push me over the edge of the precipice I found myself teetering on.

“Now is the exact moment you need ketamine,” He told me; because he was one of my closest friends I trusted him, believed him and tried it, and he saved my life.

Suddenly, the Soul that is ME or the ‘Self’ pulled away from the avatar personality of the Jess-self and I was able to see that I am not Jess, I am the limitless expansive energy that currently animates this ‘Jess Person,’ AND this ‘Jess Person’ has some sort of physical chemical imbalance that causes super dark depressive episodes, but I am not that self, I am beyond that - beyond all description except for, simply put, I AM.

By the time I came back in my body I was no longer depressed or suicidal. With wide teary eyes and a genuine smile on my face and heart I told Eddie what happened. It felt like it had been months I had gone without smiling it actually felt unfamiliar at first. He had saved me.

Iboga

Iboga was the hardest plant medicine I’ve ever done and it was more recently in 2024. My (now ex) boyfriend, Jason, and I traveled to a farm in Somewhere, Portugal and entrusted our life to this (very vetted) clinic - they monitor your heart the whole time. Iboga is insanely dangerous and does kill people. I do not recommend this as even though my heart was fine, I came out of the 3 days so convinced I was dead I was, in fact, trying to convince other people too.

It seems that people’s journey’s are vastly different. You do not get visuals with Iboga like with Ayahuasca… but then again you sort of do? But they’re different? It’s a bit hard to explain but I‘ll do my best: Ayahuasca is known as the Grandmother Plant Medicine, she’s flowy, feminine, you can talk to her during your journey and she’ll work with you. Ayahuasca can be difficult, but you do feel as though you are held by her throughout. Iboga is a very Saturnian Grandfather, strict and rigid - you feel like you are learning and growing but perhaps through punishment - for me it felt like I was made it sit in ‘time out.’

During my journey and under the influence for 3 days I had to fight a demon to save my brother, which is what broke the wall into the experience. I was in hell walking around, I was suffering a lot, but the through line through all of this was ‘I’m suffering now, and that’s okay.’ ‘I’m in hell now, and that’s okay,’ come to the marrow-deep realization that even if I was in hell now, I probably wouldn’t be later.

I could hear Jason crying in the room next to me and I knew it was because I was dead. Eventually after 3 days there was a knock at the door and the guides came in and said he wanted to talk to me. I asked if it was because I was dead. They gave me a confused and concerned look - which only deepened my inner knowing that I was, in fact, deceased. Jason came in and hugged me, it was one of the best hugs I’ve ever received, through tears and sobbing together I asked him if he had called my parents, to which he responded ‘no, why?’ And I tearfully told him he had to call them and tell them I was dead, and they were gonna be so mad at him but he had to arrange my body to be sent home.

After a lot of back-and-forth-disagreeing-and-convincing he picked me up and brought me outside in the sunshine flower filled meadow of Portugal springtime. We connected so deeply, so vulnerably, so beautifully ending with him asking, through tears “did we just get really lucky?”

The things I learned through this experience are: wherever you are, that’s okay, it’s not your final destination. Life is mostly suffering spotted with insanely gorgeous times when the cosmic sun comes out.

~

I wrote about this in another blog Iboga: Death & Dying because it was such a vast experience that would be too much to share here in my light explanations of my plant medicine ceremonies and adventures.

Bufo

Bufo was one of the most delightful frog medicines I’ve ever done. I inhaled, and as I exhaled, the whole world was created out of my mouth - rivers, lakes, mountains, jungles, flowers, animals. It was incredible as the longer I exhaled, the more I created.

After my initial exhale ended, I started to laugh and my laughter made me laugh harder and I felt like I was laughing from the insides my organs and bone marrow, it was the extreme feeling of inexplicable pleasure like an impossible itch was finally being scratched. I laughed for everything, the sun, the moon, the flowers, laughter itself, joy, being in love, being loved, friendship, sunshine, etc.

After I laughed, I began to cry, and the crying turned to sobbing turned to wailing and it felt literally delicious. The crying made me cry harder and deeper and feel into all the pain, but the pain felt glorious. It felt like life. I wept for myself, my pain, my trauma, my inner child, I wept for my parents, my friends, I wept for my ancestors and finally I wept for the sadness in the world. The more I wept the more clarity I gained and the lighter I felt.

In Conclusion

I’m a supporter of the Stoned Ape Theory: neanderthal man was going around doing neanderthal things until he ate a magic mushroom and suddenly wondered about things outside of himself. I believe in this theory because of how it mirrors my own life. I was curious about consciousness, ate an mushroom, and then I experienced the w i d e n i n g of it and suddenly noticed consciousness being just as curious about me… and I was never the same.

Nature loves courage. You make the commitment and nature will respond to that commitment by removing impossible obstacles. Dream the impossible dream and the world will not grind you under, it will lift you up. This is the trick. This is what all these teachers and philosophers who really counted, who really touched the alchemical gold, this is what they understood. This is the shamanic dance in the waterfall. This is how magic is done. By hurling yourself into the abyss and discovering it’s a feather bed.

— Terence McKenna

Once again this blog is only to share my personal experiences, not to convince or influence in anyway. This is an invitation to do your own research and to make your own choices. People have had very bad trips - and I have had a few of my own that took a long time to heal from. Exploring the recesses of your consciousness is altering, is an opening, and is a commitment. Once you start to go down these rabbit holes you can’t come back. This is not medical advice.

Psychedelics are the red pill. Proceed with caution.

Xoxo

Jess